They three are united to an extent that i have no place. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. . And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. What he is doing comes naturally to him. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. Show him that you know how he feels. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. Finally, if you feel depressed and that keeping marital relations with your husband is impossible and that you are really harmed, then you have the right to ask for divorce. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him Look at it as a blessing that he is no longer wasting your time and now you can be with someone who does want to be with you. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. Go the professional route. Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to repay them. Do you want to stay with a man who will bend to his familys will at your expense? And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. He treats me so. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. You are making the right decision. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. To get yourself heard,understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. So, let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. It is natural that you will feel put down and dismissed. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. Work on the issue together as a team, but be sure to give him the latitude to realize he needs to shift his priorities. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . Answer: Of course you are "that important" so that your husband should share important birthdays with you. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. Which it sounds like you've decided already. Of course, theyre important to him. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. So, take a step back and breathe. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. Confronting and forcing him to choose between you and his family should never be an option. Prioritize yourself. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. And you dont know what to do about it. Family issues are always tricky. If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. Leaving him. As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. [Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]. He Bows To His Domineering Parents (And Expects You To Do The Same) One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husband's parent (s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. 1. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Tell him while you will ensure that you are not overshooting the budget, he has to ensure his parents are doing the same. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. Using you statements puts the other person on a defensive mode and the communication does not go anywhere. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. Therefore. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. One day i asked him why is he more important then me? We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. I hate being attracted to women, and have sworn to Allah that I will never get married, He is honestly not in my heart at all, as my parents forced me, I am living the life of a prisoner with my husband. Sit with your husband and work out a budget as to how much should go to your husbands family and how much should be kept for your own. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. 1. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. You may want to try. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. So its time to act as such. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. And i told him I understood. . The good news is that it can be learned for sure. Lets get this straight. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. The problem seems to be when your mother-in-law and father-in-law suddenly become intruders. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? Thats impossible. 1. By Kimberly Ben When I reverted to Islam over 10 years ago, I received mixed reactions from my friends and family. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. Salaam sister Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. This is a really tricky situation and more common than you think. It shows honor and respect for your spouse. Seek your spouse's help. This is the kind of relationship where his mother smothers him with calls and text messages and hes always there to answer them. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. Being with such a man is a real struggle. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. Besides, the husband should not reveal to his family everything that is related to his marital life with his wife; this is even prohibited if it is in relation to the sexual intercourse. Well, family feuds are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd know what Im talking about. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Privacy Policy | About us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud. There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. But what ever they buy its none of my business. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. He's really stubborn when it comes to his family. Your email address will not be published. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. If he never had any sexual desires for you, better to leave. Disclaimer:The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. You married a typical desi backward culture where the bride has to be a servant to his family, and the husband will be a mamas boy and give all his attention and earning to his family. Happy Marriage is Just a Myth Watch on To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. This is a reality many married women face in India. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. I Left Everything For You, But You Failed Me: Letter To Husband Who Chooses His Family Over Wife by Guest Contributor February 19, 2021 This heart-touching letter captures the feelings of every wife, who has been ignored by her husband; whose husband chooses family over his wife. A Work Boyfriend Will Mess With Your Relationship (Cut It Out! ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? Thats simply not true. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. 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